"My friend Bev laughs, as does the nurse, but I try not to because I don't want to jiggle or move or do anything to disrupt those tiny little sperm as they make the long journey up through my uterus to my little waiting egg. I bought them from the Scandinavian Cryobank, which shipped them from Denmark. It has a higher success rate than the vaginal insemination I could have done myself at home. I knew even then that my chance of getting pregnant through artificial insemination was only 5 to 25 percent per try.)I'm so excited it's hard to remember how reluctant I was about all this. When I was a teenager my parents said, "You'd better lose that weight or you're not going to find a boyfriend." And embedded in this warning was the fate-worse-than-death scenario that my mother's sister was living: 40, single, childless. Then, of course, there were things like money to be considered. Look around you: Over 40, single with a baby, is hardly shocking. There's a strange pinging deep in my pelvis and – most strangely – an awful metallic taste in my mouth.
But then I took him into the living room to watch TV, and he didn't complain when I kept changing the channel.
But in the end, the nagging feeling that he just didn’t get me, didn’t understand or appreciate my needs, blew up when I finally realized how suffocated I felt by a role that just wasn’t right for me.
I couldn’t bring myself to have kids in a marriage where doing so would obliterate any chance I had to build something for myself.
At 37, graduated, I turned to my friend Rebecca and said, That's it. She had found a wonderful husband by combining hard work, sheer determination, and a little luck. Never mind that I'm shyer than Rebecca, and not nearly so slender, and I don't have her brilliant red hair. He wanted kids, too – though it became more and more clear that he wanted them later, after he hit it big. At the doctor's office, after I keep still for ten minutes, Dr. At home I lie on the couch beneath my front room window.
And at 38 I began to settle in with Juan, a screenwriter who was between jobs.
If you ever find yourself referring to a woman whose husband died on a battlefield as a single mother, you should immediately pour Tabasco sauce into your eyes, because you deserve to weep all the tears I’m certain she has.
Ghosting after a few (or a lot of) text messages and never meeting people in person is common. Olaf (well, his sperm) arrived packed in dry ice a week before I ovulated, so he hung around with me as we waited. I set him up in his large round container on the chair across the table from me. A part of me thought it'd be lovely to not have to drink both glasses of wine – and he could have done more than just agree with me all the time. It's nothing, he said to me when I first talked to him about artificial insemination. Bakas peeks up over the paper sheet draped across my knees and pulls his gloves off with a snap. They're from Olaf (not his real name), who's 22 and blond, blue-eyed, and tall. Bakas hasn't done this before, though he did see the procedure when he was a resident. And I'll take any advantage I can get."If it's going to happen, it's happening right now, so just lie here for ten minutes. And Rebecca helped me with a dirty little secret fear: Up until then it'd been hard to find a man..with a kid in tow, would it be impossible? You can pick up a heroin addiction, drop out of high school, rob a bank or decide to write the great American novel financing yourself on your credit cards. You can go to rehab, get your GED, get parole, and pay off those cards. A modern man doesn’t turn up his nose at a woman with some sexual experience who might have learned a trick or two from previous lovers about what men REALLY like, or more likely, she learned how to FIND OUT, but the majority of men would like to see a NEW sign on her uterus. When a man picks a wife, he wants to know he won’t be competing with some random babydaddy who was there before him. A great wife and mother places the needs and happiness of her husband and children ABOVE her own needs, and in doing so, finds her greatest happiness. But a woman who makes YOU the center of her life is going to be a great wife. Oh, that’s the story she’ll spin for you, because really, what women is going to sit there and say “I’m an unbearably controlling and irrational cunt who made my husband’s life such hell he decided he would rather be a weekend Dad than spend one more second with me”. What kind of delusional self-image does a woman have, if she can fall for a con artist with a gambling habit that would shame Charlie Sheen?But once you have a child, you cannot take it back. Third, single mothers profoundly misunderstand men. There are few men who are overjoyed to spend their blood, sweat and tears on some other guy’s genetic offspring. A woman who cares so little about her children, her own prospects, and her future husband is NOT going to make a great wife. Oh, and in return, you have to make HER the center of your life. When you meet a divorced single mother, immediately start looking for the flaw. Something that drove another man to pledge his undying love to her, to have and to hold, from this day forth, and then sometime later decide “fuck this shit. Be very cautious around a woman who takes none of the blame for her failed marriage.